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Confessions of a Mastermind
 
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Below are the 7 most recent journal entries recorded in dirty_alaskan's LiveJournal:

Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
2:54 am
A Blue Star in the Window...
Where to start...I should probably update this thing with some regularlity so I know what the hell needs covering. Meh. Check check. Tally ho.

Val's continuing to dream about a battle with Z. She tells me that each time it's different; that she loses a different way. I'm worried about it, but she just smiles and tells me it's a way for her to know what not to do. What do you do in a situation like that? When you love someone, but there's a demon behind their eyes? A demon that wants to consume or break you. I shudder thinking about what Z would do to her if were he to act through me. There's gotta be a point when loyalty and devotion is ruled out by self-preservation. Is Val feeling that pull? Will she ever? I'm wondering on a daily basis what I did to deserve her. She smiles in the face of the enemy just so she can lend me strength. Is that what true love is? That undying sense of devotion and loyalty? I know in my heart that I would die for her, and tell her so, but she's the one actually playing Russian Roulette for my sake. It's so unfair. She shouldn't have to bite that bullet...

Say's making her stand against Anthem. Well, made her stand against Anthem. I told her straight up that I hated him for what he was doing to her. She winced. Told me that it's all well and good for people to tell her that they don't agree with Anthem, but doesn't make her position any easier. She's right, of course. It was a dumb thing for me to say. She has a way of looking at things that dances a jig around my perception. She ended up talking with him over the phone. He didn't understand. She lost it and started crying telling about how unfair it all was. It broke my heart just to see her crying. What's worse is that I dissapointed her by leaving her party early to go spend time with Val. "I ran it without a tear, but my two best friends weren't there." I felt so small. I wanted to just wink out of existance. I apologized profusely, I just hope she forgives me. We wrestled around quite a bit. I'm starting to regret telling her where I was ticklish. She uses it. I love the Goat. I hope she has the foundation to start building a life of her own. Me and Val will be there to help her, for as long as we both shall live.

The women of my life.

Hoodie confuses the hell out of me. I thought I figured him out, but then a seemingly simple afternoon screws it all up. I gave him my knife from way back in the day. Going to teach him how to use it. For better or worse. At the party tonight Renor inquired about Say and Jonas, apparantly thinking they were a couple. Say did the knee-jerk reaction and ran away (Make me think of a highschool and hand-touching, where the two end up together. TANGENT.) to another rock. Hoodie took it personally. Kind of understandable, but not with how Say treats him. It was dealt with promptly. Then I guess he does some mental projection to Say and it hurt her. She thought he did it on purpose. Thankfully they made up, but it still makes me wonder...is Jonas' perma-manifestation thing tweaking his powers? The blackouts gonna start up again? What happened to his dad? I don't know how rooted his powers are, so I can't judge ANYTHING at this point. As it should be, I suppose.

Here's to my Angel and my friends. Can't wait for tommorow.


Change the blue star to gold.

Current Mood: full
Thursday, December 16th, 2004
2:25 am
All or Nothing...
It's amazing the curves that life throws at you. Val. Z. Say. The Daunts. And finally a way out.

I don't know how I feel about it yet. Nothing's really sank in. What I do know is that the choice is made, and there's no unmaking it. I guess that's life. But what to do from here? We'll wait and see what the dawn brings. One foot infront of the other.

For now? I can rest, a sleep over a decade in coming. I can rebuild.

I'm all right.

Current Mood: okay
Tuesday, December 14th, 2004
10:45 pm
Tipping the Scales
In less than six hours I will be making a life changing decision. All the supports i've built for myself may or may not come crashing down in a shower of splinters, blood, and tears. The pillars of my creation are being shaken, and i'm terrified. Ten plus years of habit is a hard thing to let go of, especially when it kept me alive. Some sort of sane. Maybe I lost myself all those years ago, and the thought of losing a crutch is bringing that terror; that frustration, Confusion; that pain all back up to a high boil. I've run out of road. There's no where left for me to run to. I'm having to do something I never thought i'd have to. I'm having to cope. All. Over. Again. Asking "Why?" just doesn't accurately cover the sense of confusion i'm going through right now. There'll be a lot more baggage sorting to bring those questions to voice. I don't even know if i'll be able to bring them out here. So i'm just going to talk about something else while the words put themselves together.

I'm so mother-goosey right now it's not even funny. I never realized how protective I was of my friends until something came on that I couldn't fight. Couldn't even really experience. All I can do is watch and hope for the best. I hate being helpless. A feeling of weakness that dominos in to a laundry-list of problems. Some thoughts I wish I could send below, but then a part of me realizes that i'd miss them. A patchwork quilt. I'm still trying to apply the good and bad theory, but over the past few years the world doesn't want to play nice and let me live by those rules. Time to change the game again.

I don't have the words.

Maybe some day.

Current Mood: scared
Monday, December 13th, 2004
10:21 pm
Live from Nariel's Garden
Ha HAH! I return. Hopefully in a better mood, but who can tell with these stream of consciousness things. Did I spell conciousness right? con·scious·ness...yeah, that looks about right. It's the 'Scious' that gets in the way. Stupid words of having knowledge...What to talk about, what to talk about it. Screw it, wing ahoy.

Say has a form of pnuemonia caused by alcoholism. Big points on my end for having her drink with me. It was fun, but it's really not fair that the pain comes out through her. Euter took her in and gave an indirect scalding. And the guilt runs rampant. I wasn't feeling too hot yesterday either, and ended up spending most of the day at home. Stress sickness sucks, but i'll be having a lot of it over the next week. The calm before the storm. Say started running a fever. Jonas took her to crash at the bar. Hoodie's all right, for a vampire. I hope he finds what he's after, but then again I hope everybody does. Maybe Jonas is just more deserving, or just needs it more. Whaaaaaaaaateva. Asscone. Currently she is wrapped in a blanket and being forcibly held between my knees so she can ride out her fever. She's afraid Anthem isn't coming back. I'm afraid Anthem isn't coming back. Frosty supposedly left the city due to something with Reyn. Seems like i'm the on carrying my friends with me, instead of the other way around. One foot infront of the other.

One of those days that I wish I had all the answers, but then I look around at some really stupid people and realize that I do. As they apply to me, that is. I really should give up on dispensing advice. No one listens to it anyway, and there's always that evil part where you have to watch the unavoidable fall. My answers are my answers. Mine...questions? Those are another matter.

You want life? Live it live. You want answers? Start asking questions. You want questions? Get the fuck off my lawn.

Current Mood: weird
Saturday, December 11th, 2004
2:39 am
The Unavoidable March Forward

Something's wrong with Say. I knew something was up as soon as I started hearing a whistling in her breathing. She said tonight that her chest felt kind of crackily, and some cat thing told her that there was something in her lungs. Never something to joke about. She said she'd get checked out by Euter tommorow. I hope to Christ everything's okay.

In other news...Christmas party. It was mildly enjoyable, but the fact that it was all so Dayn could propose irked me a little bit. Nothing like tooting your own horn infront of the gathered masses. Oh well. Congrats to the happy couple. It was nice seeing everyone together again. Seems like after Atlas there's never a lot of people gathered in an area all at once. Business as usual since everyone eventually spread themselves in to their own little groups. I'll always wonder what the point of a social area is when only a few people actually get out and socialize. Y'know, with like, everybody. Oh, i'm the only one that does that? Silly me. Val was there with me, and that's all that matters. We got a neat little holiday shot of all the Daunts together. I'll post it eventually. Jonas was bottle-bound, but a little reminder about the fact that he has a girl that's crazy about him and vice versa straightened him out. He's a good guy, but can focus on the wrong stuff at times. He'll figure it out. I trust him. Not like he needs my assurance anyway.

The current keeps carrying me

Back around

So tommorow when the sun comes up

I'll be going down.

Happiness to follow. Later.



Current Mood: Musing/Worried
Thursday, December 9th, 2004
12:15 am
The United States of Me
Consider this a one-up on insomnia. You want psyche? You can't handle psyche. I should be in bed, but am I? Hell no. I'll come up with a reason later. For now I am here, weaving a tapestry of thought for the amusement of my captivated audience. Are you amused? Captivated? Hold on to your hat, sunshine, it's going to be a whimsical ride.

Speaking of weaving, last evening, or was it the evening before? The Seventh. Anyway, we had a regular story circle in the park. Vesperi decided to grace me with a tale about a reaper and our inescapable trodge towards death. It was morbidly amusing. Though i'll never understand why people need to remind themselves that they're going to die. Be aware that your time is eventually going to run out, but don't form your schedule around reminding yourself.

0630 - Woke up
0645 - Took a shower
0715 - Thought about dying
0745 - Went to work. Wanted to die
0820 - Had a bagel. It was good
1000 - Pants ripped. Meeting + Pants Rip = Bad
1145 - Pondered life over a cheese sandwich
1430 - Got home. Enjoyed my time on Earth by murdering pixels. Life is good
1700 - I'm getting fat
2000 - Watched the news. Thought about dying
2130 - I have X amount of days left. Time for bed

Hello? Hello? I think you missed something. I'll give you a cookie if you can find it. I sense a pattern forming, but don't tell anyone. Things make more sense if you can apply them on your own. I just give you the weapons and ammo to make your decision. It's up to you where to aim. My advice? Aim high. This PSA brought to you by death's husband. Mmm MM, bitch. That's good irony.

I sense a great digression within the Force. I warned you. Hold true, of ye of little faith. After Vesperi's story Cyg decided to describe a chinese painting and the underlying meaning. Naturally I get left with footing the answer. Three men sitting around a jug marked "Vinegar". The first man puckers his lips as if he's sucked on a melon. The second has a bitter look on his face. The third man is smiling brightly, as if the liquid were sweet. My guess was close enough to earn full points. I know the answer, but do -you-?

After the lesson in philosophy it was my turn. I originally wanted to tell of Kusah Hakwaan, but couldn't remember the whole story. You want a ghost story? Tell a legend involving a woman who eats people and lives in a place where no one can get to her. The Tlingit and Inuit still refuse to go in to the south-east. I ended up settling for telling of Raven and how he brought the rest of us light. Say sung the entire ballad of Tam Lin, which is probably over a mile long. That girl's got a voice on her. All in all a very enjoyable experience. We'll see if it keeps.

Val sleeps like a child, I swear. She's so peaceful, and radiant in the moonlight. Not to mention incredibly hot with only a sheet covering her. It's not doing a very good job. I probably shouldn't be sleeping with her after Z's little appearance the other day, but I need her. Every shiver, whimper, murmur, taste, touch, laugh, smile, sigh and snuggle. She said today that when she's under me she feels protected. Our peice of heaven.

Even managed to add a pinch of risque to the mix, didn't I? You'll have to catch me in a different mood for full details. You'll quickly find that I have no shame. My wit is wielded like a bat. Probably why it's dull, eh? Yes, I said it. You didn't. You're innocent until I find you. I should probably bed down. This is supposed to be my catch-up day, afterall. Stay tuned for more intrigue, scandal, and wicked raw XXX. That's right. Wicked. Raw.

Current Mood: amused
Monday, December 6th, 2004
9:30 pm
Adrift on a Sea of Stuff.

It's fast becoming an overused line, but i'm thankful for what I have. I suppose it's thanks in part to the season. Whatever it is, it's nice. It's gettin' cold around here. I dunno if we'll end up seeing snow since the War Walls seem to suck up whatever moisture is in the air, but despite them the local flora has beginning to show the signs of winter. Along with everything else it seems. Christmas music is beginning the flood the airwaves, and a Christmas Story is firmly planted on TV screens. How does that movie end again? I know he gets the BB gun, but does he shoot out his eye? The narrator in that movie makes me want to kill everyone over fourty-five, by the way. Just don't run.

My days continue much like they always have, with one very welcome addition. My angel. There's not much I can say about Val, because I honestly don't have the words to do her justice. She makes me whole.

We also managed to snag Sayterra last night. I'm worried about our little Saytr. Anthem is supposed to be gone for several more months, and that leaves her all alone. Her fiance resurfaced recently too, which has sent her all for a loop. I feel sorry for her. She hasn't had time to mourn, and just when things started looking solid, an echo from the past comes and flubs it all up again. I'd give my right arm to see her happy; no one should have to sell their soul for it. She's a lost soul, but when she's being affectionate then she transforms completely. Naturally she puts the grumpy face on, but I know on the inside that she's smiling. It's soothing. She's a good friend. I just hope she finds what she's looking for, wherever it takes her.

There was a memorial service for Atlas and Pearl Harbor today. I went more for the soldiers at Pearl Harbor; for the unmarked graves and those that can't be mourned individually. We pay our respects Atlas on a daily basis by taking his message to Paragon and her defense. Why the need for ceremony? It feels fake. I serve because I feel I have a reason to serve. As long as i'm paying my respects to that reason, then that's good enough for me. I just want people to remember me for what I did and why I did it. In a way that feels right to them.



Current Mood: thankful
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